Tiger Woods; mirroring our shadows....

I listened to Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National and the Masters, on NPR yesterday. He sounded to me like a self-righteous preacher. He has a right to his own opinion of Tiger Woods, of course, and how "he disappointed all of us" but in my opinion, his frustration and anger is misplaced and misdirected. I understand that he has some behaviors that we might have reason to be disappointed about as well including his support of racist and sexist policies at Augusta National over the years.

For those of us in recovery from a substance or behavioral addiction, we know what humility it takes to "admit our dis-ease", seek help and take action for our own healing and maturing emotionally and spiritually. I don't know if Tiger will remain in recovery and continue to walk the walk as he talks the talk, but that isn't the point. Time will tell. His actions, over time, will speak louder than any words he may speak.

In 12 step recovery, we have a saying that goes something like "we all grow up in public" as we publicly admit our mistakes, keep ourselves in support groups that understand and continue to take actions to learn how to live clean and sober lives. I have compassion for Tiger as he has given the phrase "growing up in public" a whole new meaning.

Billy Payne said that Tiger was a hero and "he disappointed all of us and more importantly, our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children." While I think that there might be some truth in this statement that many are disappointed, I am mostly concerned with why we are consistently looking outside of ourselves and our own families for heros and heroines? I've written blog topics recently on "disappointment" and how we will always be disappointment by those we love and those we idolize. It is the nature of our human condition. Perhaps a better tact would be to keep our eyes and focus on ourselves and how we can individually become more mature spiritually and emotionally and strive for integrity in all areas of our lives, rather than consistently looking outside of ourselves for magnificence and the ideals of others.

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness and know that we can really only look to ourselves and our individual power to choose as well as a Spiritual Source perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, is it not our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of what's possible" for us in our own lives? How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way. Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline, integrity and learning out to see themselves and how they live according to their own values and becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility.

Lastly, I always think that when someone attacks, blames and criticizes another with intensity that is it a ploy for avoiding our own unrealistic expectations of others and an avoidance of looking at our own humanness. Heroism is not about perfection as much as it is about authenticity and fully embracing our humanness. As a shadow work facilitator, we teach and also learn about looking within to see and own our own shadows, especially when we are driven to focus on someone else's "bad behavior."

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or not does not absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even thought learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines and just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep in all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally

Anger as Shadow and LIGHT

Anger is a shadowy energy in our culture, especially for women. There is very little encouragement for women in our culture to be angry and to use this strength as empowerment. Anger's gift is strength. When we deny our anger, it goes into shadow and becomes a resentment, rage or we act it out passive-aggressively. We are so conditioned to be "nice" that this energy of anger is often acted out on ourselves and others. It is a misuse of this emotion. We must eat, shop, caretake, judge, blame, gossip, compulsively clean, etc., to keep the emotion of anger at bay. This must be unlearned and then anger must be embraced. Anger offers the gift of strength and understanding that our boundaries or someone elses' are being violated and action is called for.

As women, one of the greatest and most potent interventions on our own shadows around anger, addiction and any other way we are allowing ourselves to be victimized by ourselves or others is through embracing our healthy ANGER. When we use our anger with intention, care and wisdom, it becomes a force for good.

We begin to trust our intuition, know that this emotion is providing us important information and begin to set the boundaries that are called for in our lives. Healthy anger also points us in the direction of having the communications we need to have with others and we learn to take action for self-care and self-love. This honesty with ourselves and intentional use of the energy that anger provides us creates authentic connections with others. We can not have authentic connections with ourselves or others without the ability to feel and access healthy anger.

While it may go against many if not all of the conditioning in families, churches, educational institutions and social mores that we've learned, it is a good and necessary practice that we begin to invite healthy anger into our spiritual and psychological toolbox. As we do and use it with wisdom and discernment, our relationships with self and others begin to deepen into authentic connections that inspire and empower mutually.

So with support, practice and consistency, we can begin to embrace and honor our anger. We say, "anger is my friend" and we repeat as needed.

With love,

Sally

The Lioness, Mighty and Beautiful....

I had a dream this week in which I was at my mother's home and there was a lioness trying to get in the kitchen through the screen door. I knew I had to stop her and keep her out of the house. I was successful in pushing her snout out and was able to close and lock the screen door twice. The third time, however, I realized that I could not continue with this and eventually she would win. I let the lioness in through the screen door and decided to try and befriend her. It seemed my only option and worth the risk.

I released the door, let her in and laid on the floor letting her smell me. We were soon nose to nose and I was massaging her jowls. We were admiring each other with great affection. In my dream, I felt relief and knew that she was going to be a strong ally and friend to me.

As I was telling this dream to my husband, I teared up realizing the symbolism of a lioness and of me befriending her. It was really about me befriending my own power and beauty and not resisting these parts of myself. Sometimes we are as afraid of what is grand and magnificent about us as that over which we feel shame and guilt. The lion and lioness are also symbols of aggression, power, protectiveness and domination. I know that, as a woman, I am often hyper-vigilant about offending people or appearing "too" aggressive. I know women who are strong, outspoken and in their own power are not often welcomed in our culture. The dream was a reminder to welcome all these parts of myself. It was a reminder to stay awake and aware of the ways in which I attempt to keep myself hidden and small.

The depth with which we are able to authentically love another person is the extent to which we have learned to embrace and deeply love all of who we are. Embracing our shadows~both in their beauty and in their ugliness~means the fullest expression of who we are and who we are not. It allows for us to offer the same acceptance and compassion to others, inviting them out of their own hiding. We offer courage to them as they risk showing themselves, all of themselves, to us. We can offer this to them, however, only to the extent that we have risked exposure ourselves.

Jung suggested that within our shadows, those hidden and repressed parts of ourselves, lie our creativity. Creativity means to bring something into being, into expression and existence. In order to do this with our full self expression and in our own unique way means that we must risk exposing our shadows and those parts of us we keep hidden. It seems a risk worth taking, like befriending the Lioness who becomes our great ally, protecter and one of exceptional beauty.

In service of exposing our shadows, both dark and bright,

Sally